Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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