I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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