my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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