i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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