just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
