Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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