I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
im six kinds of drunk right now
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
