One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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