I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
