My friends, they love my intelligence
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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