Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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