i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I AM VODKA MAN
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
