remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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