you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
