You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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