And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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