I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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