What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
