So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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