New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
