i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
