Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
