My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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