it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
