I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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