How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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