Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
