Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize