dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
