im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Say something about gay babies.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Congratulations! We have a period
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
