why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my liver is dry heaving
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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