she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
