It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
