She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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