When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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