I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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