Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
