My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
