Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
