there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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