My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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