Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
