I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize