if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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