im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Randomize
