I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
