the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
