I looked at my own cervix.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
