Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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