trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
