just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I supernannyed him into submission
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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