If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just had sex on a roof
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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