Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
