We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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