If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
