I just pynch a tree in the face
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
