I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
