Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
