this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
